Have you ever been tied up?
Amidst my anxiety, the question had seeped out of my mouth at the dinner table, a table with people who I would not be so bold as to call friends. The question hovered for a while above the finished appetizers, and observed its unlucky recipients lightly choke on their drinks or stutter out of their private exchanges.
All signs pointed to the fact that the offered-up conversation topic was too much to handle even for the most proper pseudo-bohemian crowd. Though the general public has been, give or take, familiarized with vague terminology such as BDSM, the term Shibari has proven far less efficient in its popularization.
The Origins
Shibari, in its technical aspects, originates from a restrictive martial art called Hojojutsu, a practice formed in Japan in the XV-XVI centuries. Now a nearly forgotten samurai art, Hojojtsu formed during the Edo period, a time of rigid social order in Japan.
The Edo period is also known for its peaceful air, which required proper methods of combat. Hojojitsu became an essential tool for samurais in its ability to detain suspects without killing them, a skill especially useful in dealing with those of high status, preventing excessive political friction, and allowing for peace to run its course.
In the late XIX century, Kabuki theatre produced plays to show historical heroes revolting against oppressive regimes, and in its chase for most historical accuracy, the actors adapted a simplified and more aesthetically pleasing version of the binds used in Hojojutsu. This newly adapted form is one heap closer to the Shibari practiced today. The sexualization of this bondage owes its dues to Kabuki as well.
In the early XX century, Kabuki theaters had polished the aesthetics of bondage and could be found located in red-light districts and often shared walls with pleasure quarters. The final push from culture to sex happened in the post-war era. Having received their fair share of attention, bondage and restrictive play made their way into pornography through print media, never to lose their sway since.
Different Mindsets
The Shibari, more popular in the West and Europe, is that of an even newer breed (mid-XX century) cycled around the fetishizing of the “damsel in distress” and only in the very late XX century incorporated elements of Japanese-originated Shibari which exist under its separate title of Kinbaku. Most curious are the parallels between the strains of Shibari and the cultures of their respective locations.
Whereas in Japan, the origin suggests a more definitively sexual practice, people who partake in Shibari in the western hemisphere also use it as a tool of relaxation, yoga, and overall with more holistic intent. The terminology proves the same- where Shibari translated from Japanese means to tie, to arrest, and Kinbaku translates to strong and tight.
Kinbaku, beyond epistemology, is strongly connected with the Japanese philosophy of wabi-sabi, their core belief, which structures itself around happiness in acceptance of a given situation, to not try to seize the moment but to be with the moment. Allowing organic movement to happen through the act of stillness and fixation.
This philosophy greatly differs from that of the bulk of Western minds, explaining the incohesion of purposes that this activity can serve. The Western mindset is more intensely connotated with a fast and unforgivable work environment, an ode to the deeply ingrained Puritan work ethic.
Different Mindset
In a space where one can no longer willingly give up control or is not in a social position to demand it, it is done forcibly. But one thing to be sure of, in this teaching moment, if you will, is that control must fluctuate. Shibari, in its basic nature, is a power play and exchange between two people.
The terminology for the person that is doing the tying is the rigger. The rigger casts the ropes, more likely to be the dominant in the set. The model is kneeling on the floor and smiling. The kimono falls off her shoulder, revealing her naked chest. A man in black, the rigger, makes deliberate, quick movements. Starting with the model’s hands, the rope makes its way in circles around her chest.
Another rope, this one under her chest, then between. A green light overexposes the screen, and then the picture returns. The scarce pixels manage to capture the incongruously gentile touches of the rigger and anticipation of the model. The man extends a long rope from the model over – what I can only imagine to be a fake bamboo beam. In a sudden movement, the rigger pulls on the rope, so much so as to fall on the ground with it. The model is now suspended in the air.
At this point, I pause the video and reflect. I draw a blank and, after a brief stare at the screen, press play. This time, I think I know what to think. When both the model’s legs are tied up one by one, followed by her hair, the cameraman comes in for a close-up of the woman’s face. The lens significantly distorts her face, but the pleasure is indisputable.
N, G, and B
I think of this article that I am writing, the choices I’ve made in its bounds, the choices I’ve made in the last month or year, and I understand her pleasure. More accurately, I understand my predisposition. It would be logical to assume that a rigger or a model (or both?) lives in all of us, reflective of our life circumstances, path, or, perhaps, some intricate Freudian shit.
In the framework of this article, I was introduced to N (a rigger) and G (a model), whose names are hidden for anonymity. N and G are a married couple and Shibari enthusiasts. When asked what Shibari is, the answer was definitive: “Shibari is BDSM. There is nothing else. Actually, it is the B”, said N. “The most common mistake is that there is some sort of mysticism, or spiritualism, or some magical thing about Shibari, but the truth is it is made to play around sex and emotions and even consensual torture. Of course, there are still different approaches. The thing about the ropes is that you can express yourself in many different ways, but the reality is that this practice is made to be experienced sexually; different schools have different approaches.”
N and G expressed their preference for Japanese over the Western strain of Shibari. “There is a big connection between the rigger and the model that can be sexual and not sexual according to your previous agreement, but the style we tie with is called Semenawa. Seme means torture, and Nawa means rope; you can interpret it more accurately as the beauty of suffering. It’s nice when you have your model in a very challenging position- upside-down with the leg compressed and you watch her suffering, sometimes drooling, sweating. And that’s Shibari for us.”
Just for Us
The question that plagued me most is how one finds themselves becoming part of the ropes community. From the outside perspective, it seems like a tightly gated community far from anything we encounter on a daily when in reality, it’s always just a matter of a single instance to enter a new space, a concept far more polar than one would imagine. “We started five and a half years ago. We were a regular couple,” they mused.
“At that time, we started thinking about going to swinger clubs. We had been married for 25 years, and at that point, we were interested in opening our relationship to new people or new things, new experiences… together. We discovered the lifestyle of swingers and were introduced to bondage. We had a summer vacation, and to innovate with something new sexually in those holidays, we brought some ropes.”
Just as my mind went to the most obvious of cinematic references to paint a visual picture, they added, “You know Fifty Shades of Grey? Yeah, that kind of rope. Nothing related to Shibari. I think we never even heard the word Shibari then. But I can tell you now it was so fun. We spent two days without leaving the room, just trying, nonstop. We had no idea about what we were doing, but it was really interesting. After that, we said, ok, this is great; this must have a name. Little by little, we found people who could teach us about ropes, who started to explain what Shibari is- the origin, the feeling, the philosophy behind the ropes.”
When asked about the social challenges that may come with this line of interest, they answered plainly, “We have two kinds of friends: we have the friends in clubs, the swingers or in bondage, which are really, really good friends, and we have what we call vertical friends which are our friends from our outside lives and family. They don’t know anything about this practice, and we don’t share these things with that kind of friends. It’s a sensitive topic, but we do not need to express it by being vocal about it. It’s something just for us”.
Discover New Links
Through the conversation, I wondered at the dynamic that N and G were describing in their tying sessions, a dynamic that spilled over to their more mundane communications, the synchronicity that appeared even in their dialogue, more centered than most. “This Shibari experience has created a very special link between us. It’s something we learned together, we have been improving together, and it creates some very powerful things. In the end, there is a lot more to the connection than sex; the connection is unique to this shared experience. I recommend Shibari to all couples looking to create new links.”
The aftertaste of the interview left me perplexed. New information battling some inner voice of what must have been my grandma or the institution’s traditional of thought as a whole and I came to the conclusion that there really is nothing I wouldn’t try once.
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